I’d just like to state for the record that I am in no way a beer sommelier. I have don’t have the refined palate or excessive vocabulary to tell you that a particular brew has an oaky finish or that a beer pours with the robust vigor of a Norse viking. I respect and envy people who can taste 15 distinct flavors in each sip, but it takes time and energy to get that good, and I’m too busy trying to get drunk.
That being said, I know my beer basics, and will try to explain in lamens terms what makes a beer good, bad, or cringe-worthy. This blog is for your average Joe, who’s tired of staring blankly at the rows of bright beer labels at their local package store not knowing where to begin. Along the way, I’ll take time to point out any terminology you might not be familiar with, so you sound cool at the bar and maybe get some tail (the single most important use of alcohol).
My Beer Story
I started drinking around the time I started college, and my first beer was a banged up Keystone Light at a frat party. I refused to drink anything open because I was under the impression that everyone there would try and roofie me, despite the fact that I had 90s mom hair and was wearing more clothing than all the other girls at the party combined. Within 5 minutes of arriving the police showed up, and so I sipped that first beer while crammed into a closet that had been converted into a bedroom, where 14 other people and I stood in silence while the fuzz searched the place. I’m not sure if it was the experience of being wedged between sweaty nervous frat brothers, the Bob Marley posters, or the fact that Keystone tastes like bubbly piss, but I stayed away from beer for a long time after that and turned to its evil step sister: flavored vodka.
Eventually I got back into beer, and after a weird few years where I was really into PBR, I began to expand my horizons and learn more about the stuff. So here I am, ready to take on the best and worst the beer universe has to offer. So whether you want to know the name of a good local IPA, or if you have $7 and want to buy as much beer as possible without having your taste buds reject it in a violent comical spit take, this is the place for you.