Author Archives: hillarysmillary

Goodbye Paper Bag! Beer Can Concealers for the Alcoholic on the Go

One of the greatest things about summer is drinking outside. Relaxing on a back porch after a long day in the sun, hanging out by the pool during a barbecue, or unwinding by the campfire are all perfect pairings for a cold brew. But there are still places outdoors where “The Man” doesn’t want you to drink, and so you had to wait until you were on private property to enjoy the crisp taste of summer. That is, until now.

There is a new beer concealer on the market that disguises your beer as a can of soda. “Hide My Beer” uses cutting edge “cutting” technology to modify soda cans, allowing them to slip over your beer can of choice. The site guarantees that the cover is completely unnoticeable from “a reasonable distance”,  which I assume is code for “as long as only drunk people are looking at it”. Hide My Beer allows you to drink at all the places beer isn’t usually permitted: beaches, public parks, children’s birthday parties, or church.

I’m not really crazy about the Hide My Beer. First of all, the site warns that it won’t fit Coors or Coors Light cans, which you know is my favorite. Second, how hard could this possibly be to make? I’m waiting for someone to DIY it and put it on their Pinterest board. Also, at $4 a pop, this is no cheap way to disguise your 30-rack. However, I have come up with some cheap alternatives for disguising your beer in public.

CoffeeMug.jpgMug of coffee

AGhost.jpgA Ghost

Fruit.jpg“Fruit”

SportsDrink.jpgSports drink. Perfect for the gym.

Falafael.jpgFalafel

CleaningProducts.jpgHousehold cleaner

Thehandsomestranger.jpgThe Handsome Stranger

Invisible.jpgInvisibility cloak

There you go! All the glamour of drinking outside, without the risk of getting caught. Enjoy your minor misdemeanor!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Insta-groan: New Glassware Spills your Beer if you use Your Phone

Not to get too technical here, but we live a technology-driven, technological society. With almost 200 million people using smartphones in the US alone, it’s hard to go anywhere without seeing people texting, surfing, or google mapping to their heart’s content. But for those of you who want to disconnect and get back to the basics (drinking), there’s a new glass out there designed just for you.

The new “Offline Glass” is essentially just a beer glass that is missing half of the bottom, forcing drinkers to wedge their phones underneath and keep it upright, or risk spilling beer all over the bar. Check out this video to learn a little more:

We all know mixing booze with phone use is a bad idea: there’s the drunken phone call to your ex, the inevitable dropping and cracking your screen. And if drinking and driving is bad, and texting and driving is worse, drinking and texting and driving will kill you about 80% of the time (according to a statistic I just made up but is probably pretty close to true).

But the greatest benefit of this glass is that without your phone, you are forced to be in the moment. If you’re not distracted by Facebook or Candy Crush, you can make better decisions at the bar. You’ll see that the girl next to you was just making out with a testosterone-laden muscle man before you try to hit on her. You’ll notice the guy you’re about to go home with has a dead tooth and has made several anti-semitic jokes. You’ll pick up on the hostility between your friends so you can pull them apart before they get into a fight.

I’m not sure if the Offline Glass will ever show up in your local pub, but I would recommend getting a few for your personal use. That way when you throw a party people can focus on what’s important: family, friends, and getting drunk.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Sam Adams Porch Rocker – Brew Review

As the voice of our generation Will Smith once said “Summer summer summertime, time to sit back and unwind”. The beauty of that simple prose is that “unwind” could mean anything: chilling out, maxing, even relaxing all cool. But I like to think that it signifies that glorious age-old pastime of drinking a crisp summer beer on a hot day. So I went and tried Sam Adams Porch Rocker, and boy did I get “Jiggy with It”.

Porch Rocker 1I am whiter than this guy

I’ve written about Sam Adams before; I’m a huge fan of their Cherry Wheat because  mixing grenadine in an IPA tastes like shit, and a Shirley Temple wont get me drunk. The Porch Rocker is a limited release beer, it’s described as a combination of “lager & tart lemonade”, and based on a mixed drink called the Bavarian Radler.

The Porch Rocker pours a light golden color with a dense, white head. The smell is all lemonade; any beer notes are overpowered by the sweet, lemony aroma. The taste follows suit, with tangy sweet citrus dominating the flavor, with just the slightest bit of a bready malt.

Porch Rocker 2

Should I Drink It?

I wasn’t a huge fan of this beer. I think the tartness of lemon can bring out a lot of great flavors in a brew, and a lot of great beers  balance the two flavors. The problem was Porch Rocker was all lemonade, and I missed the beer flavor. It is refreshing, so not a bad choice for a hot day,  but also not the best.

Good news though, the Huffington Post has a list of a couple of great summer beers you (and lets me honest, I) should try before the seasons over. Take a look, and try something new.

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Northern Lights IPA – Brew Review

Happy Friday internet! A few hours separate you from 2 days of rest, relaxation, coke binges, whatever floats your boat. To kick off the weekend, enjoy today’s Brew Review: Star Hill Brewery’s Northern Lights IPA.

Northern Lights IPA 1

Star Hill Brewery was founded in Charlottesville, VA in 1999 and their beers can be found throughout the Mid-Atlantic and Southern states. Their Dark Starr Stout has won 6 awards, including 3 gold medals at the Great American Beer Festival. It’s like the Michael Phelps of beer, except with fewer Subway endorsement deals and bong hits.

Northern Lights IPA pours a orange-amber color with a tan head. The smell is a mixture of sweet malt, floral hops, and tangy citrus. Taste-wise, it has a decent amount of hop bitterness, a little citrus, and a malty finish. The beer smooth, crisp and refreshing.

Northern Lights 2

Should I Drink It?

Overall, Starr Hill’s Northern Lights is a decent IPA. I don’t know if it’s the number of robust beers I’ve been drinking lately, but this one was a little subdued for my taste. All the standard elements that make an IPA great were present and blended well together, but I wish it had just a little more “oomph”.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Till Death Brew Us Part – Beer for your Wedding Day

It’s June, which means we’ve officially entered wedding season: that magical time of year when couples blissfully join together for eternity and restore our faith in the unifying spirit of love. Or, if you’re not the one getting married, the season of buying ridiculously expensive, registry-approved toasters and a constant  foreboding fear of dying alone. At some point, you will consider shanking a bridesmaid to catch the bouquet.

You know, magical.

Weddings kind of suck. But receptions are pretty awesome. There are tons of delicious food items (I once had buffalo chicken won tons. WHAT?), awkward dancing with middle-aged relatives of the bride, and plenty of booze. While champagne has always been the staple barbiturate of weddings, craft beer is gaining ground on the classic bubbly. According to the Huffington Post, an LA-area hotel is now offering a “Hoppily Ever After” wedding package. This includes a consultation with the Energen Brewing Company, who will work with the couple to craft a distinct, delicious beer for their special day. The brewery will produce about 30 gallons of the beer, which is served on-tap at the wedding venue. Sam Adams has also jumped on the wedding bandwagon, inviting brides- and grooms-to-be to buy their “Brewlywed Ale” at a one-day-only event on June 26th.

Adding beer into your wedding preparations doesn’t stop there. In fact, there are hundreds of ways to include your favorite brew on your special day. Unfortunately, nearly all of these suggestions are swirling around in the black hole where wedding ideas go to die known as Pinterest. (Seriously, if you have 40 pins of dress ideas and how to use mason jars in the church decor, but haven’t even met a guy, maybe it’s time to pump the brakes a little.)  I trudged through this morass of glittery, ill-conceived ideas to bring you the ultimate in beer weddings.

Customized beer tub: Nothing says “eternal bliss” like hunting paraphernalia. Would look great filled with a 30-rack of Miller High Life.

Father of the bride/groom beer glasses: There are different versions of this mug for members of your wedding party from bridesmaids to best men. But why stop there? Shot glasses for the flower girls! Flasks for the ring bearer! (note: if ring bearer is a dog, one of these will suffice. Also, fuck you for having a dog in your wedding)

Wedding Beer Stein: This nifty Stein is a little pricey at $150. But the couple will probably get more use out of it than the gravy dish they asked for that’s the same price.


Customized Beer Pong Table and Cups: As always, Etsy comes through with some truly wonderful touches for your special day. Give your wedding all the class and sophistication of the basement of a frat house during finals week with this timeless set.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Florida is Officially the “Drunk Uncle” of America

Sometimes the internet tells me things I don’t want to hear. This week, I learned that oral sex is bad. No wait, it’s good. But only if it’s on a dude. Then it’s better than a shot of wheatgrass in a probiotic milkshake.

The bad news kept coming this morning, when the internet taught me that Floridians have a unique relationship with beer. And by “unique” I mean “illegal and potentially dangerous”. Two stories out of the Sunshine State highlight the growing need to give the whole place an intervention.

The first story opens with what might be the greatest headline ever: “Beer Bandito Bluffed Cashier with Rodent Ruse” (alliteration is very common in Florida news stories because the people are so high-brow). A man in Fort Pierce stole two cases of Bud Light from a Circle K by cleverly telling the cashier there was a dead rat in the beer area and then bolting when she went to investigate. Needless to say, this is a shocking story: I am very surprised that the cashier went to check on a dead rat. I assumed this happened so often in Florida that they just swept them up at the end of their shift. Also, using rodents as your distraction in a shoplifting attempt? Looks like someone’s been watching Arrested Development.

In other beer/legal/Floridian news, a man was recently arrested for his 9th DUI while leaving a KFC in Marion County. When questioned about his condition, the man admitted he had drunk an Icehouse for breakfast because, in his own words, “Beer is my coffee“.

Milwaukee's Best 2“I like my coffee like I like my women. Full of beer”

The officer ran a field sobriety test on the dude, which oddly enough he failed, and brought him to jail. Now there’s nothing wrong with an early morning beer to start your day off right. Oh wait, there is. Especially if it’s Icehouse and you’re operating a moving vehicle. The story does raise some questions though: What time was this guy at KFC? Do they offer a breakfast menu? And why is the fact that beer is his coffee more alarming than the fact that KFC is clearly his bowl of Wheaties? Why do people live in Florida anyway?

So remember folks, the people of Florida have a special relationship with beer. The DUI/retail theft kind of relationship that only people who live in a alligator-infested sweat box can understand.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dominion Oak Barrel Stout – Brew Review

I believe it was the English playwright William Shakespeare who famously said, “Friday, Friday. Gotta get down on Friday”. It could be Keats. Either way today is Friday, and what better way to “get down” than with a good beer? Start your weekend off right with today’s Brew Review: Dominion Oak Barrel Stout.

Dominion Oak Stout 1

This stout is brewed by the Old Dominion Brewing Company of Dover, DE. Founded in 1989, the company is home to a great collection of year-round and seasonal beers, as well as a very popular root beer recipe made with locally sourced honey. The company’s Oak Barrel Stout was named “Best Beer in Delaware”  by the Delaware News Journal in 2011.

Dominion Oak Stout 2As a side note, the label looks like aged paper, as if it were an old map.
This made me feel like Lewis and Clark, but more “drunk” and less “dysentery”.

The Oak Barrel Stout pours a deep black with a thick porous head the color of toasted marshmallows. Has a rich, nutty aroma of roasted malts, with vanilla and cocoa notes. It’s smooth and light, with warm coffee and vanilla flavors upfront and sweet chocolate and caramel notes in the finish.

Should I Drink It?

This particular beer hits all the notes a good stout should; it’s smooth, dark, and lets the flavor of the roasted malt shine through. It doesn’t have a strong oak presence in the smell or the taste, which is a little disappointing, but overall it’s a good beer.



Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

When Bro’s Attack: Man Charged With Stabbing During Beer Pong Game

I’ve spoken before about the dangers of beer pong; those cups are a veritable cesspool of bacteria and you will probably get herpes from them (Trust me, I’m a scientist. Or at the very least have seen episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy. 15 years ago). But turns out there’s an even more pressing issue than mouth diseases; being stabbed.

A 22-year-old man in Long Island is being charged with stabbing his brosef during a game of beer pong. According to the police report, Michael Pelaez started an argument with his victim, went into the house to grab a knife, and stabbed the 25-year-old in the hand.

Now I’m no stranger to a healthy competitive spirit. I actually broke up with a guy once over a game of Trivial Pursuit (you clearly rigged the deck so I would get all the “leisure” in “Sports and Leisure, Alex). I was almost kicked off my childhood softball team by my own father because I was so competitive. I’m a sore loser. But I have never been so upset in any competition where I thought about stabbing someone.

Beer PongThis is literally the maddest I’ve ever been during a game of beer pong.
Notice the lack of a knife.

Of course I’m not a bro from the Long Island, but I feel like there’s something else going on here. Using my deductive reasoning, I’ve come up with a series of arguments that could have led to this stabbing.

Possible inciting incidents:

Allegations of stolen hair products
Heated debate over authenticity of Long Island Medium
Argument about whose mom makes the better lasagna
Accusation of stolen Ed Hardy shirt
Said something gay without clarifying “No Homo”
Misunderstanding about the girl they are both sexing
Tanning competition
Discovery of copy-cat tribal armband tattoo

Stop playing beer pong. Please.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Port City Optimal Wit – Brew Review

Today’s Brew Review is Port City’s Optimal Wit. As William Shakespeare said, “Brevity is the soul of wit”, which doesn’t have anything to do with this beer, but now you have a quote that is guaranteed to get you laid at parties (results not typical: I have no idea if other people find Shakespeare quotes sexy).

Optimal Wit 1
Optimal Wit is a Witbeir from the Port City Brewing Company. Located in Alexandria, Virginia, the brewery opened in Feb of 2011, and brews 4 year-round beers and several seasonal varieties. Their Optimal Wit was named the 14th best beer of 2012 by Wine Enthusiast, which I think is a compliment, but made me skeptical because no one who drinks wine has been able to discern that is disgusting (And if you’re an “enthusiast” for something that is made by feet, you have a foot fetish. End of story).

Optimal Wit 2

The witbeir pours a golden straw color with a small white head. It has a strong blend of coriander, citrus, and yeast smells that shine through in the taste as well, along with some mild hop bitterness. The beer is smooth and crisp with a bready aftertaste.

Should I Drink It?

Port City’s Optimal Wit is a solid American witbeir that’s perfect for the summer months. The flavor is crisp and refreshing, without losing the beer’s mix of spices.

Tagged , , , , ,

Thanks Obamacare! US Government Approves Calorie Labeling on Beer

US Treasury Department announced this week that beer, wine and spirit makers can start adding nutrition information to their product labels including serving size, calories, and carbs. This is the first time this kind of labeling has been approved for alcoholic beverages, and for the time being will be a voluntary measure. Support for the new rule came from both inside and outside the alcohol industry, with consumers wanting to know more about what they were drinking and producers wanting to promote low-calorie and low-carb drink options.

We all know that drinking is bad for you: from Cirrhosis to sex with ugly people, the stuff can wreak havoc on the brain and body. But learning the amount of calories in that Lime-a-Rita you’re about to chug is a reality colder than a Coors Light can. For example, Coors Light has 104 calories per can, and that’s a light beer (for the record, “light” means lower calories, not the increased desire to “light” things on fire while drinking). In fact, most beers have between 150-200 calories per drink. That means that by the end of the night, the amount of calories consumed through drinking is probably more than the entire buffalo chicken pizza you ate while drunk.

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale 1Keep drinking and your beer won’t be the only thing that’s “full-bodied.

If the Biggest Loser taught me anything, it’s that weight management is all about calories in/calories out. So, if you want to enjoy the beer without the belly, here are some common drinking activities that burn calories.

Dancing – 364 calories
Crying – 15 calories
Crying over literally nothing  – 25 calories
fighting (physical) – 170 calories
fighting (verbal) – 35 calories
Stumbling home – 105 calories
Sex – 50 calories
Sex with a stranger – 55 calories
Calling your ex – 11 calories
Karaoke – 22 calories
Regret – 30 calories

 

Tagged , , , , , , , ,