Category Archives: Bad Ideas

Goodbye Paper Bag! Beer Can Concealers for the Alcoholic on the Go

One of the greatest things about summer is drinking outside. Relaxing on a back porch after a long day in the sun, hanging out by the pool during a barbecue, or unwinding by the campfire are all perfect pairings for a cold brew. But there are still places outdoors where “The Man” doesn’t want you to drink, and so you had to wait until you were on private property to enjoy the crisp taste of summer. That is, until now.

There is a new beer concealer on the market that disguises your beer as a can of soda. “Hide My Beer” uses cutting edge “cutting” technology to modify soda cans, allowing them to slip over your beer can of choice. The site guarantees that the cover is completely unnoticeable from “a reasonable distance”,  which I assume is code for “as long as only drunk people are looking at it”. Hide My Beer allows you to drink at all the places beer isn’t usually permitted: beaches, public parks, children’s birthday parties, or church.

I’m not really crazy about the Hide My Beer. First of all, the site warns that it won’t fit Coors or Coors Light cans, which you know is my favorite. Second, how hard could this possibly be to make? I’m waiting for someone to DIY it and put it on their Pinterest board. Also, at $4 a pop, this is no cheap way to disguise your 30-rack. However, I have come up with some cheap alternatives for disguising your beer in public.

CoffeeMug.jpgMug of coffee

AGhost.jpgA Ghost

Fruit.jpg“Fruit”

SportsDrink.jpgSports drink. Perfect for the gym.

Falafael.jpgFalafel

CleaningProducts.jpgHousehold cleaner

Thehandsomestranger.jpgThe Handsome Stranger

Invisible.jpgInvisibility cloak

There you go! All the glamour of drinking outside, without the risk of getting caught. Enjoy your minor misdemeanor!

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

When Bro’s Attack: Man Charged With Stabbing During Beer Pong Game

I’ve spoken before about the dangers of beer pong; those cups are a veritable cesspool of bacteria and you will probably get herpes from them (Trust me, I’m a scientist. Or at the very least have seen episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy. 15 years ago). But turns out there’s an even more pressing issue than mouth diseases; being stabbed.

A 22-year-old man in Long Island is being charged with stabbing his brosef during a game of beer pong. According to the police report, Michael Pelaez started an argument with his victim, went into the house to grab a knife, and stabbed the 25-year-old in the hand.

Now I’m no stranger to a healthy competitive spirit. I actually broke up with a guy once over a game of Trivial Pursuit (you clearly rigged the deck so I would get all the “leisure” in “Sports and Leisure, Alex). I was almost kicked off my childhood softball team by my own father because I was so competitive. I’m a sore loser. But I have never been so upset in any competition where I thought about stabbing someone.

Beer PongThis is literally the maddest I’ve ever been during a game of beer pong.
Notice the lack of a knife.

Of course I’m not a bro from the Long Island, but I feel like there’s something else going on here. Using my deductive reasoning, I’ve come up with a series of arguments that could have led to this stabbing.

Possible inciting incidents:

Allegations of stolen hair products
Heated debate over authenticity of Long Island Medium
Argument about whose mom makes the better lasagna
Accusation of stolen Ed Hardy shirt
Said something gay without clarifying “No Homo”
Misunderstanding about the girl they are both sexing
Tanning competition
Discovery of copy-cat tribal armband tattoo

Stop playing beer pong. Please.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Milwaukee’s Best Ice – Brew Review

Yesterday was a truly gorgeous day; the sun was shining, there was a warm breeze, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. It was the kind of day you wait for all winter and savor when it finally arrives, pure bliss.  So I decided to taint it with a terrible beer: Milwaukee’s Best Ice. Brewed by MillerCoors, it won the bronze medal at the 2006 World Beer Cup in American-Style Special Lager and holds a coveted score of “Zero” on ratebeer.com.

Milwaukee's Best 3

Milwaukee’s Best Ice pours a pale golden color with a clean, white, porous head. It smells like corn and metal, with some artificial sweetness. The taste is more delicate than the smell suggested; a watery combination of grain, corn, and chemicals, with an aftertaste that clings to your tongue. The beer is smooth and crisp, with plenty of carbonation.

Milwaukee's Best 4

What I’m saying is if this is the best Milwaukee has to offer, I never want to visit Milwaukee.

So I decided to do a little investigating (Wikipedia) to find some other positive things that Milwaukee could brag about before this beer. Hey Milwaukee, why not consider one of these things your “best”?:

Named one of the “Dozen Distinctive Destinations” by the National Trust for Historic Preservation in 2006
Lake Michigan
The city is home to Harley Davidson
Not Detroit
Milwaukee Bucks
Setting of the movie Bridesmaids
Site of a very important 1947 Earthquake
The city has a life-size bronze statue of the Fonz

Should I drink it?
Milwaukees Best 1
No.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Hipster Nonsense: How America’s Youth Jacked Up the Price of Bad Beer

Hipsters. They’ve already ruined so many classic American institutions: vinyl records, children’s sports team t-shirts, being aloof. But now they are threatening one of the greatest American values, the thing that separates us from the rest of the world: sub-par beer. According to a new report, the price of cheap beer is rising at a faster rate than quality craft beers. The reason? Hipsters and their cult-like devotion to PBR. Their love for those watery tall boys has caused lower-quality beer prices to jump 6.8 percent since October, nearly 5 times the amount craft beer has risen.

I’m not going to lie, when I started drinking in college, PBR was my beer of choice. Not entirely by design – it was the only cheap beer my friends snobby older boyfriend would buy us at the liquor store – but I knocked back that filtered piss water and loved every second of it.  I thought it was a pretty good beer, but this was a time in my life when I thought Private Stock and $7 handles of pomegranate-flavored vodka were also quality alcoholic drinks. Then when I turned 21 I moved onto craft beers, never to drink that blue ribbon again.
New Belgium Trippel 2

Thank you craft beer, for saving me from a life of shitty hipster parties

I think the results of this report might be a good thing. I mean, if we can continue to convince hundreds of mustache-growing “artists” to keep drinking this stuff, it wont inflate the price of quality beer for the rest of us. The key is to keep reminding them that it’s counter-culture and retro-cool.

I say PBR should change their brand mascot to a 19th-century circus bear smoking an American Spirit. Or Zooey Deschanel.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Thanks Science! Research Proves Beer Pong is a Disgusting Game

Ah beer pong. That age-old competition that combines minor athletic ability with major consumption of cheap beer. It’s considered the most popular of drinking games, and the only one that has a tournament in Las Vegas where you can win real money (as far as I know, there is no World Series of Kings, or Grand Prix of Crying Alone with a Bottle of Chardonnay). But like any sport, playing Beer Pong comes with considerable risk, and the greatest is not knowing where that sweaty bro across the table’s fingers have been.

This is what happens if you Google “Science” and “Beer Pong”. Source

Students at Clemson University studied the amount of bacteria on Beer Pong balls, and discovered they were fucking disgusting (I’m paraphrasing). The balls were teeming with bacteria (including salmonella, listeria, and e. Coli) that transferred from the ball into the cups during shots. The most bacteria-filled balls were from games played outdoors, but a sample taken from a game played inside on carpet still had 200 bacteria on it.

The good news: over 90% of the bacteria was found to be harmless. The bad news? The huge amount of bacteria makes it likely you will come in contact with some of the gross stuff.

Now, this probably isn’t news to any one who’s ever played Beer Pong. Yeah, you can wash the balls off in a separate water cup, but by the third round that cup is a murky grey with several species of bug floating in it. And at that point, everyone is too drunk to care.

So what’s the solution? I think the best way is to set up the table with cups filled with water, not beer. That way, when your opponent makes a shot, you can take a solid drink from your own beer can, thus preventing the concoction of everyone’s finger-germs from getting in your mouth.

Oh, and don’t make out with the girl with the “cold sore”.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Coors Light – Brew Review

Coors Light Thumb

Unless you are Mormon or have a deep-seated hatred for anything with Rocky Mountain iconography on it, you’ve probably at some point in your life had a Coors Light. It was the 2nd best selling beer in the US in 2012 and its parent company  Canadian Molson Coors Brewing Company is the 7th largest brewing company in the world. Started in 1873 by Adolph Coors and Jacob Schueler, the Coors Brewing Company was founded in Golden Colorado, in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains, which gives the cans their classic imagery.

Taste the rockies

Taste the Rockies

Coors Light and it’s equivalents from Budweiser and Miller get a pretty bad rap in the beer world. Beer advocate has scathing reviews of the stuff including quotes like “This can barely be considered a beer” and “Lord how I wish there was a ZERO available here. Am I being too harsh? No, not at all. This is an AWFUL beer.” Its included on the website’s list of lowest rated beers, and is also on ratebeer.com’s worst beer list. Then why does it continue to be one of the best-selling beers in the country?

I was ready to find out.

Coors Light in Glass

To be honest I think I’ve only ever drank Coors Light from a can, so I was kind of surprised by the color. The beer is a translucent, pale yellow, closer the color of white wine than a beer. It was super fizzy, with a small white head that bubbled off very quickly.

So what’s so bad about the smell and the taste that makes beer snobs turn up their noses? Nothing.

Namely, the beer smells and tastes like nothing.

But you’ve had Coors Light before. You probably can imagine the taste right now. You know it has a taste right? Well, yeah, there is a grainy, malty smell and taste to the stuff, albeit watered down. This is what gives it that “beer” taste we’re all so familiar with. But that’s about all there is to it; there’s no complexity, no ‘oomph’ to the stuff. It is, one note, boring; the beer equivalent of Kristen Stewart’s acting.

Should I drink it?

When Coors Light is ice cold, it can be very refreshing. So if it’s 110 degrees outside and your looking to cool off, this is a perfectly acceptable beer to drink. But if you’re looking for something flavorful, a beer you can truly savor, you might want to try something else.

Tagged , , , ,

Buddy Cups: Now Your One Night Stand Can Be Facebook Official

In a move that might the most ill-advised idea since McDonald’s asked customers to share their experiences on Twitter,  Budweiser is introducing the “Buddy Cup”. This is a drinking implement that, when two are clinked together, automatically makes the users Facebook friends.

Check out this video:

Wowzer! Doesn’t that look like fun? Combing strangers, alcohol, and access to personal information: what could go wrong? But before you start clinking Buddy Cups with every Tom, Dick, and Boozey in your local dive bar, I’d like to share some pros and cons to using one of these beer steins of the future.

Pros:

Now you can make sure she’s really a female before you take her home
Someone can finally like your “Game of Thrones” statuses
Finally you can “poke” your hookup on two platforms
Its always nice to make friends
That’s one more instagramed photo of food you can look forward to
Facebook doesn’t share penis size

Cons:

Buddy Cup sounds like a gross sex thing
She can change her relationship status before you get her home
You will clink glass with literally anyone when your drunk
Seriously, anyone
It’s not Twitter compatable. #lame
Facebook doesn’t share penis size

Tagged , , , , , ,