Category Archives: Drunk Thoughts

Goodbye Paper Bag! Beer Can Concealers for the Alcoholic on the Go

One of the greatest things about summer is drinking outside. Relaxing on a back porch after a long day in the sun, hanging out by the pool during a barbecue, or unwinding by the campfire are all perfect pairings for a cold brew. But there are still places outdoors where “The Man” doesn’t want you to drink, and so you had to wait until you were on private property to enjoy the crisp taste of summer. That is, until now.

There is a new beer concealer on the market that disguises your beer as a can of soda. “Hide My Beer” uses cutting edge “cutting” technology to modify soda cans, allowing them to slip over your beer can of choice. The site guarantees that the cover is completely unnoticeable from “a reasonable distance”,  which I assume is code for “as long as only drunk people are looking at it”. Hide My Beer allows you to drink at all the places beer isn’t usually permitted: beaches, public parks, children’s birthday parties, or church.

I’m not really crazy about the Hide My Beer. First of all, the site warns that it won’t fit Coors or Coors Light cans, which you know is my favorite. Second, how hard could this possibly be to make? I’m waiting for someone to DIY it and put it on their Pinterest board. Also, at $4 a pop, this is no cheap way to disguise your 30-rack. However, I have come up with some cheap alternatives for disguising your beer in public.

CoffeeMug.jpgMug of coffee

AGhost.jpgA Ghost

Fruit.jpg“Fruit”

SportsDrink.jpgSports drink. Perfect for the gym.

Falafael.jpgFalafel

CleaningProducts.jpgHousehold cleaner

Thehandsomestranger.jpgThe Handsome Stranger

Invisible.jpgInvisibility cloak

There you go! All the glamour of drinking outside, without the risk of getting caught. Enjoy your minor misdemeanor!

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When Bro’s Attack: Man Charged With Stabbing During Beer Pong Game

I’ve spoken before about the dangers of beer pong; those cups are a veritable cesspool of bacteria and you will probably get herpes from them (Trust me, I’m a scientist. Or at the very least have seen episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy. 15 years ago). But turns out there’s an even more pressing issue than mouth diseases; being stabbed.

A 22-year-old man in Long Island is being charged with stabbing his brosef during a game of beer pong. According to the police report, Michael Pelaez started an argument with his victim, went into the house to grab a knife, and stabbed the 25-year-old in the hand.

Now I’m no stranger to a healthy competitive spirit. I actually broke up with a guy once over a game of Trivial Pursuit (you clearly rigged the deck so I would get all the “leisure” in “Sports and Leisure, Alex). I was almost kicked off my childhood softball team by my own father because I was so competitive. I’m a sore loser. But I have never been so upset in any competition where I thought about stabbing someone.

Beer PongThis is literally the maddest I’ve ever been during a game of beer pong.
Notice the lack of a knife.

Of course I’m not a bro from the Long Island, but I feel like there’s something else going on here. Using my deductive reasoning, I’ve come up with a series of arguments that could have led to this stabbing.

Possible inciting incidents:

Allegations of stolen hair products
Heated debate over authenticity of Long Island Medium
Argument about whose mom makes the better lasagna
Accusation of stolen Ed Hardy shirt
Said something gay without clarifying “No Homo”
Misunderstanding about the girl they are both sexing
Tanning competition
Discovery of copy-cat tribal armband tattoo

Stop playing beer pong. Please.

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DIYour Drunk: 12 Ways to Re-purpose Old Beer Bottles

Starting this blog has brought about a few changes in my life. I have tried a bunch of great craft beers, been able to express myself in a written medium, and have amassed a giant, hoader-level pile of beer bottles. My building doesn’t recycle, and after learning about the sustainability efforts of these environmentally friendly beer companies, it feels like a big “F-You” just to throw them in the trash. So, living in the great age of “upcycling”, I set about trying to find ways to re-purpose the old bottles into something useful and crafty.

I thought long and hard and came up with the following ideas:

SAM_0567Door Stopper

Dog toyDog Toy

DIY Beer Bottle Vampire RepellerDIY Vampire Repellent

DIY Beer Bottle DinosaurHyper-realistic dinosaur model

SAM_0607Ship in a bottle (just add ship)

SAM_0613Mousepad

DIY bottle artArt

SAM_0611A friend

Hear that? It’s the sound of a thousand Pinterest boards being updated with these beauties.

Turning to the internet for more inspiration, here are 4 more projects to put your left over bottles to good use:

Beer Bottle Chandelier

From thebachelorguy.com, this chandelier tells guests “We may not be no Ritz-Carlton, but we know how to have a good time.”

Painted Vases

painted beer bottlesTake your old bottles from “trashy” to “classy” with a coat of gold spray-paint and a couple of fake flowers.

Candles

Etsy beer bottleThere are a few tutorials online for cutting glass beer bottles. Most of them involve fire. If you like this idea but also would like to not burn your house down, you can buy these bad boys on etsy.

Beer Cap Cuff-Links

For the man who has everything, except a pair of cuff-links to wear to a black-tie event honoring Jimmy Buffet. Available on etsy.

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Hanson Introduces New Beer, 90’s Nostalgia Ensues

Sometimes the cold, unloving universe will throw us mortals a little ray of happiness that reaffirms our faith in humanity. A random act of kindness, kittens and puppies being friends, and now Hanson has introduced their own beer. AND they’ve named it “MMMHops” creating a perfect meld of 90’s nostalgia in a vessel I can finally enjoy now that I’m no longer 7.  The pale ale is being produced by Mustang Brewing in Oklahoma, and made its debut at the Hangover III premiere.

The most influential force in my childhood was my parents 90’s pop music. I cried at a Backstreet Boys concert, spent hours playing Sporty Spice in line-for-line re-enactments of Spice World, and still know all the words to every song on Baby One More Time. Suffice to say, I am super excited about a 90’s-inspired beer.

294071_2090582547259_1089279927_nMe in the 90’s.  Probably daydreaming about Nick Carter.

MMMHops has opened the door to a whole line of beers inspired by 90’s songs. I’ve already been brainstorming, and here are some suggestions:

This is how we Brew it
Only wanna be with Brew
It’s gonna Beer me
I’ll beer there for Brew
Genie in a bottle (this one doesn’t even need a pun)
Smells like teen Beer-it
Brewtylicious
My Wort will go on
Livin’ la vida Lager
Damn, I wish I was your Porter
Mama said knock you Stout
Groove is in the Hefeweizen

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Hipster Nonsense: How America’s Youth Jacked Up the Price of Bad Beer

Hipsters. They’ve already ruined so many classic American institutions: vinyl records, children’s sports team t-shirts, being aloof. But now they are threatening one of the greatest American values, the thing that separates us from the rest of the world: sub-par beer. According to a new report, the price of cheap beer is rising at a faster rate than quality craft beers. The reason? Hipsters and their cult-like devotion to PBR. Their love for those watery tall boys has caused lower-quality beer prices to jump 6.8 percent since October, nearly 5 times the amount craft beer has risen.

I’m not going to lie, when I started drinking in college, PBR was my beer of choice. Not entirely by design – it was the only cheap beer my friends snobby older boyfriend would buy us at the liquor store – but I knocked back that filtered piss water and loved every second of it.  I thought it was a pretty good beer, but this was a time in my life when I thought Private Stock and $7 handles of pomegranate-flavored vodka were also quality alcoholic drinks. Then when I turned 21 I moved onto craft beers, never to drink that blue ribbon again.
New Belgium Trippel 2

Thank you craft beer, for saving me from a life of shitty hipster parties

I think the results of this report might be a good thing. I mean, if we can continue to convince hundreds of mustache-growing “artists” to keep drinking this stuff, it wont inflate the price of quality beer for the rest of us. The key is to keep reminding them that it’s counter-culture and retro-cool.

I say PBR should change their brand mascot to a 19th-century circus bear smoking an American Spirit. Or Zooey Deschanel.

 

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5 Beer Myths Debunked

Does beer have to be super cold to be enjoyable?

Does beer have to be super cold to be enjoyable?

When I started drinking beer, I was under the impression that it only came in one flavor, and that flavor was gross. After sampling the gamut from Keystone Ice to Keystone Light (it was college), I assumed I didn’t like beer because all beer tasted like bubbly sadness that was wrapped in regret and peed on by a dehydrated bull elephant. Years later, when I was properly introduced to the stuff, I was blown away by the variety of scents, tastes, and textures you can experience in a pint. A hollow sadness swept over me; I had wasted so many years drinking cheap pomegranate-flavored vodka when I could have enjoyed crisp lagers, robust stouts, and powerful IPAs.

Which brings me to the subject of beer myths. There are certain generally-accepted “truths” about beer that are complete hogwash (pardon my French). Worst of all, like my cheap beer mishap, these myths could prevent people from enjoying beer to the fullest and experiencing all the greatness craft beer has to offer.

Here are 5 very common beer myths, and the truth behind them:

1. Beer is best when it’s super cold: This is probably the biggest beer myth out there, and it’s propagated by America’s macrobrew industry. Beer commercials are full of snow-capped mountains, frosty glasses, and beer being yanked from buckets of ice.  Industry leaders  are constantly debuting new cold-can technologies, and restaurants brag about having the world’s coldest beer on tap. The truth is when beer is served at room temperature, it unlocks certain flavors and scents and showcases the complexity of the brew. The exact temps vary from style to style, but ratebeer.com has a great guide to help you out.

2. The darker the beer, the more alcohol: There is an assumption that dark beers like stouts and porters have a higher alcohol content than light-colored lagers. The truth is the color of beer comes from the malts, which are roasted for certain beers to give them a darker color and a nutty flavor without impacting the alcohol levels. For example, the ABV (Alcohol by Volume) of a Guinness is 4.1%, which is slightly less than Bud Light (4.2%).

3. Beer “skunks” when it is exposed to changing temperatures: If you had ever tasted skunked beer, you’d remember what it tastes like; just thinking about that sulfur smell is enough to make you queasy. The myth is that beer gets that way from being exposed to changing temperatures (cold to warm), when in fact it’s the light that affects the taste. This is why most beer makers choose brown bottles for their product.

4. US Beers are second-rate: US beer gets a bad rap world wide, the belief being that Budweiser and MillerCoors set the standard for all brewing in America. This is completely false; there are tons of amazing beers brewed right here, in fact there’s an entire week dedicated to craft brewing in the United States. If you step out of the haze of macrobrews and look to your local breweries, you might be surprised by how great the beer is in the good old Brew-S-A.

5. All beer tastes pretty much the same: False! If all you’ve ever had is American Lagers, expand your horizons. There’s a beer out there for everyone, and I promise you you’ll find one (probably more) you’ll fall in love with.

Keep these myths in mind the next time you grab for a beer, and happy drinking!

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Oh You Fancy Huh? Beer is the New Wine

I read an interesting article today from the UK’s The Independent about how beer is starting to outpace wine in the world of fine dining. According to author Will Coldwell, Michelin star restaurants are now creating beer pairings to their exquisite tasting menus, rather than the traditional vino. The article also highlights how you (yes you!) can pick the best beers to pair with specific types of food, using what is called the “Three Cs”.  These are:

Compliment: Choosing a beer that has a similar flavor to the food so the tastes blend (ex: a rich stout and a chocolatey desert)

Contrasting: Pick a beer so removed from the flavors in the food that both distinctly stand out (ex: a sharp lager with BBQ)

Cutting: Picking a type of beer that’s so strong it “cuts” through the flavors of the food (ex: a hoppy IPA with a fatty pork)

I think its fantastic that beer is finally getting some fancy notoriety. Not because I care about the deep, fantastic history of the stuff, but because, quite frankly I hate wine. I’ve never understood why people shell out so much cash for something that, at best, tastes like bitter cough syrup somebody spit in.

One time at an outdoor restaurant, I used my wine glass to smash and collect bugs. This is the only time I have ever been happy I had wine.

One time at an outdoor restaurant, I used my wine glass to smash and collect bugs. This is the only time I have ever been happy I had wine.

Exception: I will drink Arbor Mist, but that is essentially an alcohol-infused Capri Sun (seriously, the third ingredient is high fructose corn syrup).

Need more proof that beer is better than wine, other than my discerning and highly accurate taste buds? Here’s a handy list I made to prove I’m always right.

Beer is cheaper: while its true that some beers can cost up to $100/ six-pack, on the whole it’s a much more cost-effective way to get your buzz on. For $13 dollars, you can get yourself a high quality six-pack of your best local brew, or a wine so shitty that it’s illegal in France.

Beer doesn’t turn your mouth purple: All the fun of getting drunk, without looking like a gel pen exploded in your mouth

At no point do people step on any beer ingredient with their bare feet

Beer can be used in a variety of social settings: Going on a first date? Watching the game with your buddies? Weeping silently in your bathtub? Beer is the perfect complement to any of these situations! The great thing about the craft beer boom is that is has  elevated the stuff from “this will get me drunk enough to yell at NASCAR on TV” to “this is the perfect complement to my endive salad with watercress”.

So next time you’re at a fancy restaurant (and I know that must happen all the time) see if they have a beer pairing menu or suggestions on which beers would compliment your order. If they look at you like you’re crazy, scoff snootily in their faces and say “clearly you are behind the times”.

If all goes to plan, the waiter might cry.

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3 Things No One Tells You About Walt Disney World

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently visited Walt Disney World. To explain my relationship with WDW, you can read this article from  xojane that I didn’t write but sums up my relationship with the place perfectly. It is my Mecca, my Western Wall, my L. Ron Hubbard. In my everyday life I am a horrible, cynical person; I harshly judge strangers for wearing running sneakers with jeans and I fantasize about punching someone in the face at least once a day.

But at Disney, I am transformed. A beam of pure joy encompasses my body and I feel like the world is on my side and it can do no wrong. Colors sing out, happiness radiates from inanimate objects, and laughter fills my ears. Kind of like a mouse-fueled acid trip.

I'm wearing sunglasses to hide the fact I'm secretly weeping from the overwhelming joy

I’m wearing sunglasses to hide the fact I’m secretly weeping from the overwhelming joy

That being said, there are some things about Disney that were surprising, and I’d like to take a moment to share them with you here.

1. The Bathrooms are Just Bathrooms

The thing that separates Walt Disney from other theme parks is their attention to detail. They put so much effort into making sure everything is perfect that even waiting in line is an experience. Hell, there are entire websites dedicated to finding the over 1000 hidden Mickeys,  and despite the fact that tons of people visit the parks each day, people are still finding new ones.

Which is why its upsetting when you walk into the bathroom and see this:

The toilet in the Tommorowland bathroom. The toilet of the future.

The toilet in the Tommorowland bathroom. The toilet of the future.

A bathroom with no more pizzazz than your local Wendy’s, complete with broken stalls and ominous wet spots on the floor. They were clean, yes, but when you come in from a world of magic to the worst part of every bar I’ve ever been to its a bit of an upset.

I’m just saying, if I need to relieve myself in the Norway pavilion of Epcot, I want to do it as the Norwegians would.

I'm just a kvinner with a dream

I’m just a kvinner with a dream

This is an important note because you will use the bathrooms a lot in Disney World because:

2. You Can Drink There

I went to Disney World with my father, because my mom had a conference and my dad wanted to go to the parks without looking like a pedophile.

Drinking Buddies

Drinking Buddies

We went to Epcot our first night there, and I was blown away by the amount of alcohol you can purchase. Frozen margaritas in the Mexico Pavilion. An assortment of wine in the France Pavilion. Disney’s classic Dole Whip with a shot of rum.

And of course beer. At every one of the “countries” there was opportunity to purchase more beer. Not always the finest or most representative (Norway, for example, had Bud Light and Carlsberg) but nevertheless ubiquitous. And it didn’t stop in Epcot, every park except the Magic Kingdom has plenty of opportunities to drink to your hearts content (provided you don’t mind spending $13 per drink).

Maybe it’s because most people go to Disney only when they’re either little children or responsible for not losing their kids in a crowd of 1,000 other kids, but I had no idea the “Happiest Place on Earth” could be happier. Another thing I was not aware of? Beer + any ride with more momentum than “The Haunted Mansion” will result in a strong urge to vomit.

3. It Will Completely Change Your Mind About Kids

Its no secret that Disney World is an immensely popular place, and that they don’t choose who comes into their parks by parenting styles. You will see the best and worst kids in those parks, which is why the experience will change your mind about having kids, about once every 15 seconds.

It doesn’t matter what side of the fence you’re on; you want kids or you don’t, you will question your beliefs over and over again. Example: at the Magic Kingdom, I saw a little girl in a princess dress, completely mesmerized by one of the characters. When they asked her name she said “Cinderella”, and my cold heart melted. I barely had time to turn my head when I saw a frazzled woman pushing a stroller while her six year old hung off the side and repeatedly kicked her in the shins.

Which brings us back to why they sell booze

Which brings us back to why they sell booze

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