Tag Archives: Bad Idea

Florida is Officially the “Drunk Uncle” of America

Sometimes the internet tells me things I don’t want to hear. This week, I learned that oral sex is bad. No wait, it’s good. But only if it’s on a dude. Then it’s better than a shot of wheatgrass in a probiotic milkshake.

The bad news kept coming this morning, when the internet taught me that Floridians have a unique relationship with beer. And by “unique” I mean “illegal and potentially dangerous”. Two stories out of the Sunshine State highlight the growing need to give the whole place an intervention.

The first story opens with what might be the greatest headline ever: “Beer Bandito Bluffed Cashier with Rodent Ruse” (alliteration is very common in Florida news stories because the people are so high-brow). A man in Fort Pierce stole two cases of Bud Light from a Circle K by cleverly telling the cashier there was a dead rat in the beer area and then bolting when she went to investigate. Needless to say, this is a shocking story: I am very surprised that the cashier went to check on a dead rat. I assumed this happened so often in Florida that they just swept them up at the end of their shift. Also, using rodents as your distraction in a shoplifting attempt? Looks like someone’s been watching Arrested Development.

In other beer/legal/Floridian news, a man was recently arrested for his 9th DUI while leaving a KFC in Marion County. When questioned about his condition, the man admitted he had drunk an Icehouse for breakfast because, in his own words, “Beer is my coffee“.

Milwaukee's Best 2“I like my coffee like I like my women. Full of beer”

The officer ran a field sobriety test on the dude, which oddly enough he failed, and brought him to jail. Now there’s nothing wrong with an early morning beer to start your day off right. Oh wait, there is. Especially if it’s Icehouse and you’re operating a moving vehicle. The story does raise some questions though: What time was this guy at KFC? Do they offer a breakfast menu? And why is the fact that beer is his coffee more alarming than the fact that KFC is clearly his bowl of Wheaties? Why do people live in Florida anyway?

So remember folks, the people of Florida have a special relationship with beer. The DUI/retail theft kind of relationship that only people who live in a alligator-infested sweat box can understand.

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Milwaukee’s Best Ice – Brew Review

Yesterday was a truly gorgeous day; the sun was shining, there was a warm breeze, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. It was the kind of day you wait for all winter and savor when it finally arrives, pure bliss.  So I decided to taint it with a terrible beer: Milwaukee’s Best Ice. Brewed by MillerCoors, it won the bronze medal at the 2006 World Beer Cup in American-Style Special Lager and holds a coveted score of “Zero” on ratebeer.com.

Milwaukee's Best 3

Milwaukee’s Best Ice pours a pale golden color with a clean, white, porous head. It smells like corn and metal, with some artificial sweetness. The taste is more delicate than the smell suggested; a watery combination of grain, corn, and chemicals, with an aftertaste that clings to your tongue. The beer is smooth and crisp, with plenty of carbonation.

Milwaukee's Best 4

What I’m saying is if this is the best Milwaukee has to offer, I never want to visit Milwaukee.

So I decided to do a little investigating (Wikipedia) to find some other positive things that Milwaukee could brag about before this beer. Hey Milwaukee, why not consider one of these things your “best”?:

Named one of the “Dozen Distinctive Destinations” by the National Trust for Historic Preservation in 2006
Lake Michigan
The city is home to Harley Davidson
Not Detroit
Milwaukee Bucks
Setting of the movie Bridesmaids
Site of a very important 1947 Earthquake
The city has a life-size bronze statue of the Fonz

Should I drink it?
Milwaukees Best 1
No.

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Hipster Nonsense: How America’s Youth Jacked Up the Price of Bad Beer

Hipsters. They’ve already ruined so many classic American institutions: vinyl records, children’s sports team t-shirts, being aloof. But now they are threatening one of the greatest American values, the thing that separates us from the rest of the world: sub-par beer. According to a new report, the price of cheap beer is rising at a faster rate than quality craft beers. The reason? Hipsters and their cult-like devotion to PBR. Their love for those watery tall boys has caused lower-quality beer prices to jump 6.8 percent since October, nearly 5 times the amount craft beer has risen.

I’m not going to lie, when I started drinking in college, PBR was my beer of choice. Not entirely by design – it was the only cheap beer my friends snobby older boyfriend would buy us at the liquor store – but I knocked back that filtered piss water and loved every second of it.  I thought it was a pretty good beer, but this was a time in my life when I thought Private Stock and $7 handles of pomegranate-flavored vodka were also quality alcoholic drinks. Then when I turned 21 I moved onto craft beers, never to drink that blue ribbon again.
New Belgium Trippel 2

Thank you craft beer, for saving me from a life of shitty hipster parties

I think the results of this report might be a good thing. I mean, if we can continue to convince hundreds of mustache-growing “artists” to keep drinking this stuff, it wont inflate the price of quality beer for the rest of us. The key is to keep reminding them that it’s counter-culture and retro-cool.

I say PBR should change their brand mascot to a 19th-century circus bear smoking an American Spirit. Or Zooey Deschanel.

 

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Nice Cans! Beer Bottles are Revamped to Make them Sexier

Last Friday, Gizmodo posted an article on new the packaging by MillerCoors, Budweiser, and Heineken. These three companies are introducing new bottles and cans that (they claim) make their beers more drinkable and accessible to consumers. The article highlights some other possibilities for the change, including increased competition from craft brewers and modern consumers’ expectations for design.

Now I’m not surprised that these companies are updating their look; switching up the branding of a product instead of the product itself is one of the oldest marketing tricks in the book. What I did find a little odd was the way they were changing the packaging. The updated bottles and cans are sleeker and taller, with smooth necks and ample curves. Heineken even described their new Star Bottle as having “strong shoulders and a taller, slimmer neck that elongates the look of the bottle giving it a more modern air of confident masculinity and pride.”

Am I supposed to drink their beer or have sex with it?

I can't wait til you're inside me.

I want you inside me.

Now don’t get me wrong;  I would love to put my mouth all over a tall, slim, Dutch man who gets me drunk. And I’m not trying to push some sort of feminist agenda (“Stop objectifying bottles! Real women can’t live up to their impossibly rigid beauty standards and full-bodied drinkability!”) I just can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, sexy lady holding a bottle of beer? Advertising gold. When the beer itself is the sexy one? It’s a little too Freudian for my liking.

Oh and if you’re sexually attracted to your beer, you’ve probably already drank too much. 

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Thanks Science! Research Proves Beer Pong is a Disgusting Game

Ah beer pong. That age-old competition that combines minor athletic ability with major consumption of cheap beer. It’s considered the most popular of drinking games, and the only one that has a tournament in Las Vegas where you can win real money (as far as I know, there is no World Series of Kings, or Grand Prix of Crying Alone with a Bottle of Chardonnay). But like any sport, playing Beer Pong comes with considerable risk, and the greatest is not knowing where that sweaty bro across the table’s fingers have been.

This is what happens if you Google “Science” and “Beer Pong”. Source

Students at Clemson University studied the amount of bacteria on Beer Pong balls, and discovered they were fucking disgusting (I’m paraphrasing). The balls were teeming with bacteria (including salmonella, listeria, and e. Coli) that transferred from the ball into the cups during shots. The most bacteria-filled balls were from games played outdoors, but a sample taken from a game played inside on carpet still had 200 bacteria on it.

The good news: over 90% of the bacteria was found to be harmless. The bad news? The huge amount of bacteria makes it likely you will come in contact with some of the gross stuff.

Now, this probably isn’t news to any one who’s ever played Beer Pong. Yeah, you can wash the balls off in a separate water cup, but by the third round that cup is a murky grey with several species of bug floating in it. And at that point, everyone is too drunk to care.

So what’s the solution? I think the best way is to set up the table with cups filled with water, not beer. That way, when your opponent makes a shot, you can take a solid drink from your own beer can, thus preventing the concoction of everyone’s finger-germs from getting in your mouth.

Oh, and don’t make out with the girl with the “cold sore”.

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Coors Light – Brew Review

Coors Light Thumb

Unless you are Mormon or have a deep-seated hatred for anything with Rocky Mountain iconography on it, you’ve probably at some point in your life had a Coors Light. It was the 2nd best selling beer in the US in 2012 and its parent company  Canadian Molson Coors Brewing Company is the 7th largest brewing company in the world. Started in 1873 by Adolph Coors and Jacob Schueler, the Coors Brewing Company was founded in Golden Colorado, in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains, which gives the cans their classic imagery.

Taste the rockies

Taste the Rockies

Coors Light and it’s equivalents from Budweiser and Miller get a pretty bad rap in the beer world. Beer advocate has scathing reviews of the stuff including quotes like “This can barely be considered a beer” and “Lord how I wish there was a ZERO available here. Am I being too harsh? No, not at all. This is an AWFUL beer.” Its included on the website’s list of lowest rated beers, and is also on ratebeer.com’s worst beer list. Then why does it continue to be one of the best-selling beers in the country?

I was ready to find out.

Coors Light in Glass

To be honest I think I’ve only ever drank Coors Light from a can, so I was kind of surprised by the color. The beer is a translucent, pale yellow, closer the color of white wine than a beer. It was super fizzy, with a small white head that bubbled off very quickly.

So what’s so bad about the smell and the taste that makes beer snobs turn up their noses? Nothing.

Namely, the beer smells and tastes like nothing.

But you’ve had Coors Light before. You probably can imagine the taste right now. You know it has a taste right? Well, yeah, there is a grainy, malty smell and taste to the stuff, albeit watered down. This is what gives it that “beer” taste we’re all so familiar with. But that’s about all there is to it; there’s no complexity, no ‘oomph’ to the stuff. It is, one note, boring; the beer equivalent of Kristen Stewart’s acting.

Should I drink it?

When Coors Light is ice cold, it can be very refreshing. So if it’s 110 degrees outside and your looking to cool off, this is a perfectly acceptable beer to drink. But if you’re looking for something flavorful, a beer you can truly savor, you might want to try something else.

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Buddy Cups: Now Your One Night Stand Can Be Facebook Official

In a move that might the most ill-advised idea since McDonald’s asked customers to share their experiences on Twitter,  Budweiser is introducing the “Buddy Cup”. This is a drinking implement that, when two are clinked together, automatically makes the users Facebook friends.

Check out this video:

Wowzer! Doesn’t that look like fun? Combing strangers, alcohol, and access to personal information: what could go wrong? But before you start clinking Buddy Cups with every Tom, Dick, and Boozey in your local dive bar, I’d like to share some pros and cons to using one of these beer steins of the future.

Pros:

Now you can make sure she’s really a female before you take her home
Someone can finally like your “Game of Thrones” statuses
Finally you can “poke” your hookup on two platforms
Its always nice to make friends
That’s one more instagramed photo of food you can look forward to
Facebook doesn’t share penis size

Cons:

Buddy Cup sounds like a gross sex thing
She can change her relationship status before you get her home
You will clink glass with literally anyone when your drunk
Seriously, anyone
It’s not Twitter compatable. #lame
Facebook doesn’t share penis size

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