Tag Archives: Beer Pong

When Bro’s Attack: Man Charged With Stabbing During Beer Pong Game

I’ve spoken before about the dangers of beer pong; those cups are a veritable cesspool of bacteria and you will probably get herpes from them (Trust me, I’m a scientist. Or at the very least have seen episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy. 15 years ago). But turns out there’s an even more pressing issue than mouth diseases; being stabbed.

A 22-year-old man in Long Island is being charged with stabbing his brosef during a game of beer pong. According to the police report, Michael Pelaez started an argument with his victim, went into the house to grab a knife, and stabbed the 25-year-old in the hand.

Now I’m no stranger to a healthy competitive spirit. I actually broke up with a guy once over a game of Trivial Pursuit (you clearly rigged the deck so I would get all the “leisure” in “Sports and Leisure, Alex). I was almost kicked off my childhood softball team by my own father because I was so competitive. I’m a sore loser. But I have never been so upset in any competition where I thought about stabbing someone.

Beer PongThis is literally the maddest I’ve ever been during a game of beer pong.
Notice the lack of a knife.

Of course I’m not a bro from the Long Island, but I feel like there’s something else going on here. Using my deductive reasoning, I’ve come up with a series of arguments that could have led to this stabbing.

Possible inciting incidents:

Allegations of stolen hair products
Heated debate over authenticity of Long Island Medium
Argument about whose mom makes the better lasagna
Accusation of stolen Ed Hardy shirt
Said something gay without clarifying “No Homo”
Misunderstanding about the girl they are both sexing
Tanning competition
Discovery of copy-cat tribal armband tattoo

Stop playing beer pong. Please.

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Thanks Science! Research Proves Beer Pong is a Disgusting Game

Ah beer pong. That age-old competition that combines minor athletic ability with major consumption of cheap beer. It’s considered the most popular of drinking games, and the only one that has a tournament in Las Vegas where you can win real money (as far as I know, there is no World Series of Kings, or Grand Prix of Crying Alone with a Bottle of Chardonnay). But like any sport, playing Beer Pong comes with considerable risk, and the greatest is not knowing where that sweaty bro across the table’s fingers have been.

This is what happens if you Google “Science” and “Beer Pong”. Source

Students at Clemson University studied the amount of bacteria on Beer Pong balls, and discovered they were fucking disgusting (I’m paraphrasing). The balls were teeming with bacteria (including salmonella, listeria, and e. Coli) that transferred from the ball into the cups during shots. The most bacteria-filled balls were from games played outdoors, but a sample taken from a game played inside on carpet still had 200 bacteria on it.

The good news: over 90% of the bacteria was found to be harmless. The bad news? The huge amount of bacteria makes it likely you will come in contact with some of the gross stuff.

Now, this probably isn’t news to any one who’s ever played Beer Pong. Yeah, you can wash the balls off in a separate water cup, but by the third round that cup is a murky grey with several species of bug floating in it. And at that point, everyone is too drunk to care.

So what’s the solution? I think the best way is to set up the table with cups filled with water, not beer. That way, when your opponent makes a shot, you can take a solid drink from your own beer can, thus preventing the concoction of everyone’s finger-germs from getting in your mouth.

Oh, and don’t make out with the girl with the “cold sore”.

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