Tag Archives: Drunk Thoughts

Goodbye Paper Bag! Beer Can Concealers for the Alcoholic on the Go

One of the greatest things about summer is drinking outside. Relaxing on a back porch after a long day in the sun, hanging out by the pool during a barbecue, or unwinding by the campfire are all perfect pairings for a cold brew. But there are still places outdoors where “The Man” doesn’t want you to drink, and so you had to wait until you were on private property to enjoy the crisp taste of summer. That is, until now.

There is a new beer concealer on the market that disguises your beer as a can of soda. “Hide My Beer” uses cutting edge “cutting” technology to modify soda cans, allowing them to slip over your beer can of choice. The site guarantees that the cover is completely unnoticeable from “a reasonable distance”,  which I assume is code for “as long as only drunk people are looking at it”. Hide My Beer allows you to drink at all the places beer isn’t usually permitted: beaches, public parks, children’s birthday parties, or church.

I’m not really crazy about the Hide My Beer. First of all, the site warns that it won’t fit Coors or Coors Light cans, which you know is my favorite. Second, how hard could this possibly be to make? I’m waiting for someone to DIY it and put it on their Pinterest board. Also, at $4 a pop, this is no cheap way to disguise your 30-rack. However, I have come up with some cheap alternatives for disguising your beer in public.

CoffeeMug.jpgMug of coffee

AGhost.jpgA Ghost

Fruit.jpg“Fruit”

SportsDrink.jpgSports drink. Perfect for the gym.

Falafael.jpgFalafel

CleaningProducts.jpgHousehold cleaner

Thehandsomestranger.jpgThe Handsome Stranger

Invisible.jpgInvisibility cloak

There you go! All the glamour of drinking outside, without the risk of getting caught. Enjoy your minor misdemeanor!

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When Bro’s Attack: Man Charged With Stabbing During Beer Pong Game

I’ve spoken before about the dangers of beer pong; those cups are a veritable cesspool of bacteria and you will probably get herpes from them (Trust me, I’m a scientist. Or at the very least have seen episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy. 15 years ago). But turns out there’s an even more pressing issue than mouth diseases; being stabbed.

A 22-year-old man in Long Island is being charged with stabbing his brosef during a game of beer pong. According to the police report, Michael Pelaez started an argument with his victim, went into the house to grab a knife, and stabbed the 25-year-old in the hand.

Now I’m no stranger to a healthy competitive spirit. I actually broke up with a guy once over a game of Trivial Pursuit (you clearly rigged the deck so I would get all the “leisure” in “Sports and Leisure, Alex). I was almost kicked off my childhood softball team by my own father because I was so competitive. I’m a sore loser. But I have never been so upset in any competition where I thought about stabbing someone.

Beer PongThis is literally the maddest I’ve ever been during a game of beer pong.
Notice the lack of a knife.

Of course I’m not a bro from the Long Island, but I feel like there’s something else going on here. Using my deductive reasoning, I’ve come up with a series of arguments that could have led to this stabbing.

Possible inciting incidents:

Allegations of stolen hair products
Heated debate over authenticity of Long Island Medium
Argument about whose mom makes the better lasagna
Accusation of stolen Ed Hardy shirt
Said something gay without clarifying “No Homo”
Misunderstanding about the girl they are both sexing
Tanning competition
Discovery of copy-cat tribal armband tattoo

Stop playing beer pong. Please.

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