Tag Archives: News

Goodbye Paper Bag! Beer Can Concealers for the Alcoholic on the Go

One of the greatest things about summer is drinking outside. Relaxing on a back porch after a long day in the sun, hanging out by the pool during a barbecue, or unwinding by the campfire are all perfect pairings for a cold brew. But there are still places outdoors where “The Man” doesn’t want you to drink, and so you had to wait until you were on private property to enjoy the crisp taste of summer. That is, until now.

There is a new beer concealer on the market that disguises your beer as a can of soda. “Hide My Beer” uses cutting edge “cutting” technology to modify soda cans, allowing them to slip over your beer can of choice. The site guarantees that the cover is completely unnoticeable from “a reasonable distance”,  which I assume is code for “as long as only drunk people are looking at it”. Hide My Beer allows you to drink at all the places beer isn’t usually permitted: beaches, public parks, children’s birthday parties, or church.

I’m not really crazy about the Hide My Beer. First of all, the site warns that it won’t fit Coors or Coors Light cans, which you know is my favorite. Second, how hard could this possibly be to make? I’m waiting for someone to DIY it and put it on their Pinterest board. Also, at $4 a pop, this is no cheap way to disguise your 30-rack. However, I have come up with some cheap alternatives for disguising your beer in public.

CoffeeMug.jpgMug of coffee

AGhost.jpgA Ghost

Fruit.jpg“Fruit”

SportsDrink.jpgSports drink. Perfect for the gym.

Falafael.jpgFalafel

CleaningProducts.jpgHousehold cleaner

Thehandsomestranger.jpgThe Handsome Stranger

Invisible.jpgInvisibility cloak

There you go! All the glamour of drinking outside, without the risk of getting caught. Enjoy your minor misdemeanor!

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Insta-groan: New Glassware Spills your Beer if you use Your Phone

Not to get too technical here, but we live a technology-driven, technological society. With almost 200 million people using smartphones in the US alone, it’s hard to go anywhere without seeing people texting, surfing, or google mapping to their heart’s content. But for those of you who want to disconnect and get back to the basics (drinking), there’s a new glass out there designed just for you.

The new “Offline Glass” is essentially just a beer glass that is missing half of the bottom, forcing drinkers to wedge their phones underneath and keep it upright, or risk spilling beer all over the bar. Check out this video to learn a little more:

We all know mixing booze with phone use is a bad idea: there’s the drunken phone call to your ex, the inevitable dropping and cracking your screen. And if drinking and driving is bad, and texting and driving is worse, drinking and texting and driving will kill you about 80% of the time (according to a statistic I just made up but is probably pretty close to true).

But the greatest benefit of this glass is that without your phone, you are forced to be in the moment. If you’re not distracted by Facebook or Candy Crush, you can make better decisions at the bar. You’ll see that the girl next to you was just making out with a testosterone-laden muscle man before you try to hit on her. You’ll notice the guy you’re about to go home with has a dead tooth and has made several anti-semitic jokes. You’ll pick up on the hostility between your friends so you can pull them apart before they get into a fight.

I’m not sure if the Offline Glass will ever show up in your local pub, but I would recommend getting a few for your personal use. That way when you throw a party people can focus on what’s important: family, friends, and getting drunk.

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Till Death Brew Us Part – Beer for your Wedding Day

It’s June, which means we’ve officially entered wedding season: that magical time of year when couples blissfully join together for eternity and restore our faith in the unifying spirit of love. Or, if you’re not the one getting married, the season of buying ridiculously expensive, registry-approved toasters and a constant  foreboding fear of dying alone. At some point, you will consider shanking a bridesmaid to catch the bouquet.

You know, magical.

Weddings kind of suck. But receptions are pretty awesome. There are tons of delicious food items (I once had buffalo chicken won tons. WHAT?), awkward dancing with middle-aged relatives of the bride, and plenty of booze. While champagne has always been the staple barbiturate of weddings, craft beer is gaining ground on the classic bubbly. According to the Huffington Post, an LA-area hotel is now offering a “Hoppily Ever After” wedding package. This includes a consultation with the Energen Brewing Company, who will work with the couple to craft a distinct, delicious beer for their special day. The brewery will produce about 30 gallons of the beer, which is served on-tap at the wedding venue. Sam Adams has also jumped on the wedding bandwagon, inviting brides- and grooms-to-be to buy their “Brewlywed Ale” at a one-day-only event on June 26th.

Adding beer into your wedding preparations doesn’t stop there. In fact, there are hundreds of ways to include your favorite brew on your special day. Unfortunately, nearly all of these suggestions are swirling around in the black hole where wedding ideas go to die known as Pinterest. (Seriously, if you have 40 pins of dress ideas and how to use mason jars in the church decor, but haven’t even met a guy, maybe it’s time to pump the brakes a little.)  I trudged through this morass of glittery, ill-conceived ideas to bring you the ultimate in beer weddings.

Customized beer tub: Nothing says “eternal bliss” like hunting paraphernalia. Would look great filled with a 30-rack of Miller High Life.

Father of the bride/groom beer glasses: There are different versions of this mug for members of your wedding party from bridesmaids to best men. But why stop there? Shot glasses for the flower girls! Flasks for the ring bearer! (note: if ring bearer is a dog, one of these will suffice. Also, fuck you for having a dog in your wedding)

Wedding Beer Stein: This nifty Stein is a little pricey at $150. But the couple will probably get more use out of it than the gravy dish they asked for that’s the same price.


Customized Beer Pong Table and Cups: As always, Etsy comes through with some truly wonderful touches for your special day. Give your wedding all the class and sophistication of the basement of a frat house during finals week with this timeless set.

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Florida is Officially the “Drunk Uncle” of America

Sometimes the internet tells me things I don’t want to hear. This week, I learned that oral sex is bad. No wait, it’s good. But only if it’s on a dude. Then it’s better than a shot of wheatgrass in a probiotic milkshake.

The bad news kept coming this morning, when the internet taught me that Floridians have a unique relationship with beer. And by “unique” I mean “illegal and potentially dangerous”. Two stories out of the Sunshine State highlight the growing need to give the whole place an intervention.

The first story opens with what might be the greatest headline ever: “Beer Bandito Bluffed Cashier with Rodent Ruse” (alliteration is very common in Florida news stories because the people are so high-brow). A man in Fort Pierce stole two cases of Bud Light from a Circle K by cleverly telling the cashier there was a dead rat in the beer area and then bolting when she went to investigate. Needless to say, this is a shocking story: I am very surprised that the cashier went to check on a dead rat. I assumed this happened so often in Florida that they just swept them up at the end of their shift. Also, using rodents as your distraction in a shoplifting attempt? Looks like someone’s been watching Arrested Development.

In other beer/legal/Floridian news, a man was recently arrested for his 9th DUI while leaving a KFC in Marion County. When questioned about his condition, the man admitted he had drunk an Icehouse for breakfast because, in his own words, “Beer is my coffee“.

Milwaukee's Best 2“I like my coffee like I like my women. Full of beer”

The officer ran a field sobriety test on the dude, which oddly enough he failed, and brought him to jail. Now there’s nothing wrong with an early morning beer to start your day off right. Oh wait, there is. Especially if it’s Icehouse and you’re operating a moving vehicle. The story does raise some questions though: What time was this guy at KFC? Do they offer a breakfast menu? And why is the fact that beer is his coffee more alarming than the fact that KFC is clearly his bowl of Wheaties? Why do people live in Florida anyway?

So remember folks, the people of Florida have a special relationship with beer. The DUI/retail theft kind of relationship that only people who live in a alligator-infested sweat box can understand.

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When Bro’s Attack: Man Charged With Stabbing During Beer Pong Game

I’ve spoken before about the dangers of beer pong; those cups are a veritable cesspool of bacteria and you will probably get herpes from them (Trust me, I’m a scientist. Or at the very least have seen episodes of Bill Nye the Science Guy. 15 years ago). But turns out there’s an even more pressing issue than mouth diseases; being stabbed.

A 22-year-old man in Long Island is being charged with stabbing his brosef during a game of beer pong. According to the police report, Michael Pelaez started an argument with his victim, went into the house to grab a knife, and stabbed the 25-year-old in the hand.

Now I’m no stranger to a healthy competitive spirit. I actually broke up with a guy once over a game of Trivial Pursuit (you clearly rigged the deck so I would get all the “leisure” in “Sports and Leisure, Alex). I was almost kicked off my childhood softball team by my own father because I was so competitive. I’m a sore loser. But I have never been so upset in any competition where I thought about stabbing someone.

Beer PongThis is literally the maddest I’ve ever been during a game of beer pong.
Notice the lack of a knife.

Of course I’m not a bro from the Long Island, but I feel like there’s something else going on here. Using my deductive reasoning, I’ve come up with a series of arguments that could have led to this stabbing.

Possible inciting incidents:

Allegations of stolen hair products
Heated debate over authenticity of Long Island Medium
Argument about whose mom makes the better lasagna
Accusation of stolen Ed Hardy shirt
Said something gay without clarifying “No Homo”
Misunderstanding about the girl they are both sexing
Tanning competition
Discovery of copy-cat tribal armband tattoo

Stop playing beer pong. Please.

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Hipster Nonsense: How America’s Youth Jacked Up the Price of Bad Beer

Hipsters. They’ve already ruined so many classic American institutions: vinyl records, children’s sports team t-shirts, being aloof. But now they are threatening one of the greatest American values, the thing that separates us from the rest of the world: sub-par beer. According to a new report, the price of cheap beer is rising at a faster rate than quality craft beers. The reason? Hipsters and their cult-like devotion to PBR. Their love for those watery tall boys has caused lower-quality beer prices to jump 6.8 percent since October, nearly 5 times the amount craft beer has risen.

I’m not going to lie, when I started drinking in college, PBR was my beer of choice. Not entirely by design – it was the only cheap beer my friends snobby older boyfriend would buy us at the liquor store – but I knocked back that filtered piss water and loved every second of it.  I thought it was a pretty good beer, but this was a time in my life when I thought Private Stock and $7 handles of pomegranate-flavored vodka were also quality alcoholic drinks. Then when I turned 21 I moved onto craft beers, never to drink that blue ribbon again.
New Belgium Trippel 2

Thank you craft beer, for saving me from a life of shitty hipster parties

I think the results of this report might be a good thing. I mean, if we can continue to convince hundreds of mustache-growing “artists” to keep drinking this stuff, it wont inflate the price of quality beer for the rest of us. The key is to keep reminding them that it’s counter-culture and retro-cool.

I say PBR should change their brand mascot to a 19th-century circus bear smoking an American Spirit. Or Zooey Deschanel.

 

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Thanks Science! Research Proves Beer Pong is a Disgusting Game

Ah beer pong. That age-old competition that combines minor athletic ability with major consumption of cheap beer. It’s considered the most popular of drinking games, and the only one that has a tournament in Las Vegas where you can win real money (as far as I know, there is no World Series of Kings, or Grand Prix of Crying Alone with a Bottle of Chardonnay). But like any sport, playing Beer Pong comes with considerable risk, and the greatest is not knowing where that sweaty bro across the table’s fingers have been.

This is what happens if you Google “Science” and “Beer Pong”. Source

Students at Clemson University studied the amount of bacteria on Beer Pong balls, and discovered they were fucking disgusting (I’m paraphrasing). The balls were teeming with bacteria (including salmonella, listeria, and e. Coli) that transferred from the ball into the cups during shots. The most bacteria-filled balls were from games played outdoors, but a sample taken from a game played inside on carpet still had 200 bacteria on it.

The good news: over 90% of the bacteria was found to be harmless. The bad news? The huge amount of bacteria makes it likely you will come in contact with some of the gross stuff.

Now, this probably isn’t news to any one who’s ever played Beer Pong. Yeah, you can wash the balls off in a separate water cup, but by the third round that cup is a murky grey with several species of bug floating in it. And at that point, everyone is too drunk to care.

So what’s the solution? I think the best way is to set up the table with cups filled with water, not beer. That way, when your opponent makes a shot, you can take a solid drink from your own beer can, thus preventing the concoction of everyone’s finger-germs from getting in your mouth.

Oh, and don’t make out with the girl with the “cold sore”.

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Oh You Fancy Huh? Beer is the New Wine

I read an interesting article today from the UK’s The Independent about how beer is starting to outpace wine in the world of fine dining. According to author Will Coldwell, Michelin star restaurants are now creating beer pairings to their exquisite tasting menus, rather than the traditional vino. The article also highlights how you (yes you!) can pick the best beers to pair with specific types of food, using what is called the “Three Cs”.  These are:

Compliment: Choosing a beer that has a similar flavor to the food so the tastes blend (ex: a rich stout and a chocolatey desert)

Contrasting: Pick a beer so removed from the flavors in the food that both distinctly stand out (ex: a sharp lager with BBQ)

Cutting: Picking a type of beer that’s so strong it “cuts” through the flavors of the food (ex: a hoppy IPA with a fatty pork)

I think its fantastic that beer is finally getting some fancy notoriety. Not because I care about the deep, fantastic history of the stuff, but because, quite frankly I hate wine. I’ve never understood why people shell out so much cash for something that, at best, tastes like bitter cough syrup somebody spit in.

One time at an outdoor restaurant, I used my wine glass to smash and collect bugs. This is the only time I have ever been happy I had wine.

One time at an outdoor restaurant, I used my wine glass to smash and collect bugs. This is the only time I have ever been happy I had wine.

Exception: I will drink Arbor Mist, but that is essentially an alcohol-infused Capri Sun (seriously, the third ingredient is high fructose corn syrup).

Need more proof that beer is better than wine, other than my discerning and highly accurate taste buds? Here’s a handy list I made to prove I’m always right.

Beer is cheaper: while its true that some beers can cost up to $100/ six-pack, on the whole it’s a much more cost-effective way to get your buzz on. For $13 dollars, you can get yourself a high quality six-pack of your best local brew, or a wine so shitty that it’s illegal in France.

Beer doesn’t turn your mouth purple: All the fun of getting drunk, without looking like a gel pen exploded in your mouth

At no point do people step on any beer ingredient with their bare feet

Beer can be used in a variety of social settings: Going on a first date? Watching the game with your buddies? Weeping silently in your bathtub? Beer is the perfect complement to any of these situations! The great thing about the craft beer boom is that is has  elevated the stuff from “this will get me drunk enough to yell at NASCAR on TV” to “this is the perfect complement to my endive salad with watercress”.

So next time you’re at a fancy restaurant (and I know that must happen all the time) see if they have a beer pairing menu or suggestions on which beers would compliment your order. If they look at you like you’re crazy, scoff snootily in their faces and say “clearly you are behind the times”.

If all goes to plan, the waiter might cry.

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Buddy Cups: Now Your One Night Stand Can Be Facebook Official

In a move that might the most ill-advised idea since McDonald’s asked customers to share their experiences on Twitter,  Budweiser is introducing the “Buddy Cup”. This is a drinking implement that, when two are clinked together, automatically makes the users Facebook friends.

Check out this video:

Wowzer! Doesn’t that look like fun? Combing strangers, alcohol, and access to personal information: what could go wrong? But before you start clinking Buddy Cups with every Tom, Dick, and Boozey in your local dive bar, I’d like to share some pros and cons to using one of these beer steins of the future.

Pros:

Now you can make sure she’s really a female before you take her home
Someone can finally like your “Game of Thrones” statuses
Finally you can “poke” your hookup on two platforms
Its always nice to make friends
That’s one more instagramed photo of food you can look forward to
Facebook doesn’t share penis size

Cons:

Buddy Cup sounds like a gross sex thing
She can change her relationship status before you get her home
You will clink glass with literally anyone when your drunk
Seriously, anyone
It’s not Twitter compatable. #lame
Facebook doesn’t share penis size

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