Tag Archives: Theft

Florida is Officially the “Drunk Uncle” of America

Sometimes the internet tells me things I don’t want to hear. This week, I learned that oral sex is bad. No wait, it’s good. But only if it’s on a dude. Then it’s better than a shot of wheatgrass in a probiotic milkshake.

The bad news kept coming this morning, when the internet taught me that Floridians have a unique relationship with beer. And by “unique” I mean “illegal and potentially dangerous”. Two stories out of the Sunshine State highlight the growing need to give the whole place an intervention.

The first story opens with what might be the greatest headline ever: “Beer Bandito Bluffed Cashier with Rodent Ruse” (alliteration is very common in Florida news stories because the people are so high-brow). A man in Fort Pierce stole two cases of Bud Light from a Circle K by cleverly telling the cashier there was a dead rat in the beer area and then bolting when she went to investigate. Needless to say, this is a shocking story: I am very surprised that the cashier went to check on a dead rat. I assumed this happened so often in Florida that they just swept them up at the end of their shift. Also, using rodents as your distraction in a shoplifting attempt? Looks like someone’s been watching Arrested Development.

In other beer/legal/Floridian news, a man was recently arrested for his 9th DUI while leaving a KFC in Marion County. When questioned about his condition, the man admitted he had drunk an Icehouse for breakfast because, in his own words, “Beer is my coffee“.

Milwaukee's Best 2“I like my coffee like I like my women. Full of beer”

The officer ran a field sobriety test on the dude, which oddly enough he failed, and brought him to jail. Now there’s nothing wrong with an early morning beer to start your day off right. Oh wait, there is. Especially if it’s Icehouse¬†and you’re operating a moving vehicle. The story does raise some questions though: What time was this guy at KFC? Do they offer a breakfast menu? And why is the fact that beer is his coffee more alarming than the fact that KFC is clearly his bowl of Wheaties? Why do people live in Florida anyway?

So remember folks, the people of Florida have a special relationship with beer. The DUI/retail theft kind of relationship that only people who live in a alligator-infested sweat box can understand.

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